I don't like being so far away from my family. I really wish I could be closer right now. My dad's sprits seemed high on the phone last night, and I won't tell him that I'm scared. I need to be strong so he can be strong. We'll get through this, but being so far away doesn't help me. I think it's one reason why I clinge to my baby so much, and I know I'm probably spoiling her with my attentions on her, but she and Shea are the only family I have close. I mean I love Shea's family, but they aren't close. I felt left out when Mom told me she was going to my aunt's house for the 4th. We didn't do anything. I did barbaque but that was the extent of my Fourth of July. It's kinda heart breaking to me. Shea promised me though that if I wanted to start family traditions then he would participate. Basially meaning if I wanted to do something on his days off he wouldn't game. That meant alot to me and next year will probably be alot different on Holidays because Kathleen will be older and learning so much more about life in real context.
I was looking forward to Christmas, now I'm just scared. I'm still eagerly looking forward to going to see my parents, and having a Christmas tree as a family this year. But funds aren't great and I'm scared of so many things. I really shouldn't be stressing but you know something is bad when you sleep with your stuffed animal for comfort even though the biggest teddy bear ever sleeps with you every night. I'm gonna try to think positive about the whole thing, my whole life, but I'm not sure I can.